Wednesday, March 1, 2017

march one.



*sips coffee*

I looked out my bedroom window this morning because the sky roared. The stump left in the yard stared back at me and I was reminded of the 30 foot coconut tree my father had cut down two days ago. Waking up to the sound of a chainsaw in the morning made my heart jump but it was nothing compared to how my heart felt when he told me the reason why.

We hang our laundry under this fruit bearing tree every Monday and he said that he was always worried that a coconut would someday fall.. killing one of us. Sounds crazy, I know. But it happens.

 They say you have a higher chance of being killed by a coconut falling on your head, than being killed by a shark, btw.

It felt nice though. Not the being eaten by a shark part- the knowing he felt relieved that it was one less thing to worry about- part, you know? Knowing how much he cares.

 Staring at what looks to be a gap in the sky now, I was reminded of birds perched up there, they sang while I squeezed clothespins on white linen sheets..

Then it happened. 

"Why is it so damn quiet..?" I asked my self, Where are the birds..?" 
"They are always here.. Where did they go..? 

Just pure silence. 
Everything was still.

Strangest four seconds of my life passed and without any warning, a storm appeared. It was the combination of strong winds and loud pouring rain that scared me, I ran around the house feeling the instant rush of rain scented air already starting to fill our home,chilling the cold ceramic tiles under my bare feet.. I rushed to close all the windows. 

I even texted friends and neighbors..
and I did that.  
Without really thinking, I texted him. Again.
  I'm silly. I know.

 I should stop. I know. 
I need to.. let him go, I know.
It was only a day. 
I know.
I'm being stupid.
I fucking, know.
But I can't help it.
I have a thing for liking people who either will never like me back, or..

     it's the wrong time again.  

That's one of the cruelest jokes life plays on you- falling in love with people when the timing isn't right.

Now that I think about it..
All of my relationships failed because they revolved around timing. It's fantastic.
  Fuck you, life!

And as much as I want to hate him, I probably won't ever. I'm actually thankful for the way he's treating us. Whatever this " us" is, heh.
I don't even know what to call it but it really is better off this way.

 I'm not good at goodbyes.

Never was.
  I love, love, love dramatic ideas but not this kind. 
Saying goodbye to a person is one of the most uncomfortable feelings to me.


On the bright side, I'm pretty great at "coming to closure" with things. 

Its probably because I overthink so much to the point of hitting every bullet point on my never ending list of thoughts that I have no choice but..
 to get closure. 

The overthinking phase is definitely intense but once I get that over with, I am exhausted. 

Then I'm done. 

Then the chances of me going backwards is pretty slim. I move on quickly these days and this is something I've learned to do after  years of holding on to way too many things for way. too. damn. long.

 I'm getting older, you know? My patience is getting short. Especially when it comes to people, haha.  I know what I want now and I don't chase after things. I will, to a certain extent of course, if I really want it.. but it has to be halfway. 

I like to think I can feel people and situations out well, so I know when to stop respectfully.. and I do. 

Everything always comes around and happens for a reason, right..?

okay time to make toast

-another babble




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