Diary


~ Newest diary entries start from top to bottom. I add old entries from my irl bedroom diary + online entry highlights from time to time. I will always update the time stamp in red below when anything new is added:

*Last edited: 08/21/2017 at 6"05 pm*



08/19/2017
Monday at 3:44 am 

...
I'm sorry I can be cold sometimes.
I'm still learning about myself everyday.
I've never felt this passionate about my art this much in my entire life- I feel like if there's a time to focus on my art, it's now.

It's the only thing I want to exhaust my energy in at the moment.. which also means that I  know I won't be ready for anything serious anytime soon. Creating art 24/7 is mentally exhausting enough, I can't be distracted.
 I'm going through a really weird phase, okay..?
 And I hate to blame it on the Solar Eclipse coming, ( hahaha) but I just feel this overwhelming weird energy around me telling me I need to pursue my creative skills and I want to share it with the world, I've never felt so strongly about this.

 I'm also getting really used to being alone and it's starting to become my comfort zone.
Not sure if that's a good or bad thing but I'd like to think it's good because I'd really prefer to focus on myself. I've spent way too much of my life in relationships ....... after relationships.
From 2007- 2016 I had about 4 serious lovers ranging from 2-3 years long each.
No breaks in between longer than 3 months.
It's been about a year and a half of me being single and that's the longest I've ever been out of a relationship. Crazy.

The other crazy thing that I'm realizing, as my single days go by- is that I feel like I'm "finding myself" a million times more faster.  I embarrassingly admit I am one of those hopeless romantic lovers that invests way too much time on those I truly love. It's kinda obsessive. It's blinding. I've stayed with people who cheated on me. I've stayed with people who chose blow over me.  Over, and over again. I've stayed with abusive people.
 I can't help it. And it's pretty scary looking back at all the toxic relationships I put myself through because I loved them and not myself ,

This is why I need to stay alone.
At least until I feel I'm content enough with my own life to comfortably share it with someone.
I'm trying to be selfish for once in my life, you know?
I don't even look for relationships anymore at this point, and that's how it should be.
I just want shit to happen organically so if something comes; it will.
If  I'm obsessed over a person as much as this person is for me- then that's great.
Buuuuuut the thing is.. I probably wouldn't as I'm too obsessed with myself and getting my shit together.  So yeah.  I'll know when I'm ready otherwise I'll be here painting a storm, haha.


07/06/2017
Thursday at 2:32 am

Uh oh. I'm so scared of meeting new faces but let's see how this goes.
I get really anxious about getting too close to people because I really do not want a serious relationship anytime soon but
meh it's been awhile

I painted new things today.

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06/09/2017
Friday at 7:56 pm

I cried on the phone to him today
but I needed that, we needed closure.
I miss him.
But I need to stop because it's not our time anymore.


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05/7/19/2017
Sunday at 2:11 am

okay I promise  I'll fill these with better entries soon, I've been tired lately.
I miss writing tons but I cant find a way to balance painting too.. it's either I exhaust it all in paint or write here and lately I've been so busy  with  art commissions. Noooooooooooo o  o o o o o

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05/16/2017
Tuesday at 4:33 am

hi
I should be sleeping but I'm drinking iced coffee and my cat knocked over a jar of dirty paint water so that's pretty   cool

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05/09/2017
Tuesday at 11:42pm


It's probably better this way.


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11/28/2016Monday at 2:55 am

The hardest person to forgive has always been yourself. You who spends 20 minutes debating on whether your toe beans ruined the photo, you who sips chamomile mint tea with honey every night, and coffee every morning, you who always manages to get paint on your clothes, you with the acne scars and wild hair, you with your habit of overthinking, you with your variety of giggles and how only a few can tell apart between the nervous and the joyful, and you you you- You. 
You who is rarely angry but rolls her lips as hints. You who bottles everything in and if she trusts you enough, the Spanish in her blood may boil over and snap. You who squeals in happiness over the tiniest, silliest things. You who still continues to water that goddamn dying plant because you have that kind of hope- You with all your flaws memorized like the back of your eyelids. You with self doubts that even you at times think is ridiculous and you- you who has to learn the difference between forgiving and loving yourself.
The hardest person to love was always yourself. Not those who have lied to you, ignored you, or treated you unfairly- forgiving what happened to you does not always mean you love yourself. It's okay to be angry and it's okay to be selfish. Its okay to finally let go of people who took your forgiveness for granted. But it's not okay to accept that. Learn to be cold when you're not getting warmth back. 
You, my dear, you have a big heart. Oh my goodness, that heart of yours, it's huge, but that heart is complete bullshit if you believe for a second that forgiving those who did you wrong means loving yourself, but most especially, forgiving yourself for trying to "understand" them as an excuse is undeniably even worse. You deserve the world and honesty. I deadass just want consistency and honesty from one person, that's all I ever wanted, and if that's too much to ask for, I at least should it expect it from myself. I'm constantly working on trying to find my balance soley in that. 
You are beautiful, you always have been. You deserve honesty. You always did. Forgive yourself, but love yourself, first. -a letter to myself 



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11/29/2016
Tuesday at 9:57 am


People always ask me how I get my room so colorful.. and the answer is simple.... I create it that way. 

I use to be in a really dark place so very slowly I started painting objects in my room.. and pretty much surrounding myself with color and happy things. I got rid of clutter. It's the same thing with life, I cut toxic people out. That old ex boyfriend's sweater? Threw it out. (Okay, I lied. I DIY crop topped it.. Now I wear it to slay boys in the summer.
 But that's the joy of recreating things.
Either throw away shit that doesn't make you happy, or reinvent it into something that will.
Happy Tuesday! ❤🌈




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11/28/2016
Monday at 12:34 am "Honesty"  



I love painting while drinking wine. I love how emotionally lost I get when my walls come down. I love messy handwriting in journals. I love when people are high and hysterically laughing into tears.

I love that cute guilty face on dogs when they know they did something wrong. I could never truly be mad at them.
I love the pure drunk texts you get on New years. I love the warm look in people's faces when they realize they really like someone.
I love the lost look on people's faces when they lose their train of thought. And I love the way their eyebrows burrow when they try to remember how to fill in the gaps. I fall in love with souls and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with how people can radiate light around them and how their breakdowns can silence even the brightest coloured rooms. Honesty is too beautiful to ever put into words, and I love that. ❤


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11/25/2016Friday  at 10:12 amDear future husband,I'm sorry there will be days where I'll spend 10+ hours painting with my back turned towards you. Please remind me to eat and to come to bed to be your little spoon. <3

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11/12/2016
Saturday at 4:08 am
"Princess" 



Story time! So after a long day of window shopping, (heh.) I sat at a bench to rest my tired stems. I was approached by a man with laugh lines around his eyes & he came up to tell me I was beautiful. He kindly asked permission to kiss my hand & with a simple gesture he gently did & walked away. 
I couldn't help but blush so much I felt embarrassed. The good kind. I felt like a princess. My cheeks warmed to the point of me needing to brush my hair behind my ears; I was flustered. With eyes blurred with tears, I rushed to the nearest bathroom to compose myself. Why did I react this way..? To be so unbearably happy but sad knowing something so tiny affected me this much? Oh.
I was with a past lover for about three long years & in that time frame he called me beautiful in person five times. Five. Fucking. Times. He told me the reason why he saved that phrase was because it's a very special thing to say to someone... so when he did say it, it would be like "gold" to me. In those exact words. Gold. And he was right. 
The times I heard it, I fell apart into this messy bliss of validation because he turned "you're beautiful" into a token that should be saved for only the most special moments. And as much as that seems to make sense, it took experiences like the one I had with a complete stranger to realize it really doesn't. I didn't see then how manipulative he was. I accepted it then & it breaks my heart a little to know I accepted that kind of love. 
On bare face tired doe-eyed days, I've been called beautiful. On one night stands with lighting so dim you can only see my glassy eyes. Silver haired women told me I had a beautiful "aura". By toddlers who weren't affected by society standards..yet. 
I've been single for awhile, & I chose this because I knew I needed time to reflect and love myself even deeper. Everytime a new soul calls me beautiful I feel myself confidently accept it without it taking over my emotions.
There are times where I'll slip up and cry but these days it's not about how much I suffered, it's about how happy I am to realize that hearing those words are empowering to me and not validating. And it's an amazing feeling. I'm happy.💞



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12/17/2012
Monday at 4:53 am


There's something about the feeling you get sitting in coffee shops that are so....... 

what can I say.....       Calming? 
No. 
It's the same feeling or mood that silently melts over you when you're looking over the dozens of heads bobbing to the speed bumps on a public bus. You look around realizing where you are, what you've accomplished, who you've become, and in the end you realize it's all because of you. Yeah sure, there are things in your past that have helped sculpted who you are and what choices you've made, but it's always you who did them. You can look back at all your worst self-ego crushing moments that make you cringe, and you could try to make excuses and say it's because of things that happened to you. Or "let" happen to you. Because you didn't know any better? 
Because you were just stupid.
As clueless as you could have been,  there has to be the tiniest voice in your head to tell you how wrong it was.. But you still did them.  You still went along with it. Right? Does that make me a bad person?
No.
Maybe during that time, a little, yes. But not forever. I strongly believe that every soul has a powerful pure sparkle in them, and that can make up for all the wrong that's been done, and more.
It's what you do with your worst experiences, and how you deal with it- is what makes your character. 

  Whenever I fall into these deep thought processes , I think about these sort of things in hopes to reassure myself that I'm still worthy of being special to someone, because it's times like these where you start to feel lonely. Really, really, lonely. And it's not just love lonely; it's feeling alone in the world in general. 

It's moments like sitting on the beach and inspecting  the true line of the horizon to see if it's accurately straight from start to end. Your mind drifts away while your eyes unknowingly trace the images in front of you. You see stuff, but what you're looking at doesn't configure in your brain. 
Because you're so deep into thought. 

  Weirdly it's  things like having the faintest flashing shadow; pet the sun over the lids of your eyes while passing untamed trees on a long road car ride- 
that can wake you. 
  You look around to see you've fallen asleep in the backseat of a car. Or you imagine how much warmer it would feel if your head was leaning on a shoulder or lap, or anything really.
anything.
It's times like these where you're left alone to think. And it's so, so bittersweet.
 Like coffee without cream. 
Coffee Shops don't make me feel calm anymore and I'm okay with it.
I never liked bittersweet coffee before, but I get it, now.

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