~ Newest diary entries start from top to bottom. I add old entries from my irl bedroom diary + online entry highlights from time to time. I will always update the time stamp in red below when anything new is added:*Last edited: 08/21/2017 at 6"05 pm*
Monday at 3:44 am
I'm sorry I can be cold sometimes.
I'm still learning about myself everyday.
I've never felt this passionate about my art this much in my entire life- I feel like if there's a time to focus on my art, it's now.
It's the only thing I want to exhaust my energy in at the moment.. which also means that I know I won't be ready for anything serious anytime soon. Creating art 24/7 is mentally exhausting enough, I can't be distracted.
I'm going through a really weird phase, okay..?
And I hate to blame it on the Solar Eclipse coming, ( hahaha) but I just feel this overwhelming weird energy around me telling me I need to pursue my creative skills and I want to share it with the world, I've never felt so strongly about this.
I'm also getting really used to being alone and it's starting to become my comfort zone.
Not sure if that's a good or bad thing but I'd like to think it's good because I'd really prefer to focus on myself. I've spent way too much of my life in relationships ....... after relationships.
From 2007- 2016 I had about 4 serious lovers ranging from 2-3 years long each.
No breaks in between longer than 3 months.
It's been about a year and a half of me being single and that's the longest I've ever been out of a relationship. Crazy.
The other crazy thing that I'm realizing, as my single days go by- is that I feel like I'm "finding myself" a million times more faster. I embarrassingly admit I am one of those hopeless romantic lovers that invests way too much time on those I truly love. It's kinda obsessive. It's blinding. I've stayed with people who cheated on me. I've stayed with people who chose blow over me. Over, and over again. I've stayed with abusive people.
I can't help it. And it's pretty scary looking back at all the toxic relationships I put myself through because I loved them and not myself ,
This is why I need to stay alone.
At least until I feel I'm content enough with my own life to comfortably share it with someone.
I'm trying to be selfish for once in my life, you know?
I don't even look for relationships anymore at this point, and that's how it should be.
I just want shit to happen organically so if something comes; it will.
If I'm obsessed over a person as much as this person is for me- then that's great.
Buuuuuut the thing is.. I probably wouldn't as I'm too obsessed with myself and getting my shit together. So yeah. I'll know when I'm ready otherwise I'll be here painting a storm, haha.
Thursday at 2:32 am
Uh oh. I'm so scared of meeting new faces but let's see how this goes.
I get really anxious about getting too close to people because I really do not want a serious relationship anytime soon but
meh it's been awhile
I painted new things today.
Friday at 7:56 pm
I cried on the phone to him today
but I needed that, we needed closure.
I miss him.
But I need to stop because it's not our time anymore.
Sunday at 2:11 am
okay I promise I'll fill these with better entries soon, I've been tired lately.
I miss writing tons but I cant find a way to balance painting too.. it's either I exhaust it all in paint or write here and lately I've been so busy with art commissions. Noooooooooooo o o o o o o
Tuesday at 4:33 am
I should be sleeping but I'm drinking iced coffee and my cat knocked over a jar of dirty paint water so that's pretty cool
Tuesday at 11:42pm
11/28/2016Monday at 2:55 am
Tuesday at 9:57 am
Monday at 12:34 am "Honesty"
11/25/2016Friday at 10:12 am
Saturday at 4:08 am
Monday at 4:53 am
There's something about the feeling you get sitting in coffee shops that are so.......
what can I say..... Calming?
It's the same feeling or mood that silently melts over you when you're looking over the dozens of heads bobbing to the speed bumps on a public bus. You look around realizing where you are, what you've accomplished, who you've become, and in the end you realize it's all because of you. Yeah sure, there are things in your past that have helped sculpted who you are and what choices you've made, but it's always you who did them. You can look back at all your worst self-ego crushing moments that make you cringe, and you could try to make excuses and say it's because of things that happened to you. Or "let" happen to you. Because you didn't know any better?
Because you were just stupid.
As clueless as you could have been, there has to be the tiniest voice in your head to tell you how wrong it was.. But you still did them. You still went along with it. Right? Does that make me a bad person?
Maybe during that time, a little, yes. But not forever. I strongly believe that every soul has a powerful pure sparkle in them, and that can make up for all the wrong that's been done, and more.
It's what you do with your worst experiences, and how you deal with it- is what makes your character.
Whenever I fall into these deep thought processes , I think about these sort of things in hopes to reassure myself that I'm still worthy of being special to someone, because it's times like these where you start to feel lonely. Really, really, lonely. And it's not just love lonely; it's feeling alone in the world in general.
It's moments like sitting on the beach and inspecting the true line of the horizon to see if it's accurately straight from start to end. Your mind drifts away while your eyes unknowingly trace the images in front of you. You see stuff, but what you're looking at doesn't configure in your brain.
Because you're so deep into thought.
Weirdly it's things like having the faintest flashing shadow; pet the sun over the lids of your eyes while passing untamed trees on a long road car ride-
that can wake you.
You look around to see you've fallen asleep in the backseat of a car. Or you imagine how much warmer it would feel if your head was leaning on a shoulder or lap, or anything really.
It's times like these where you're left alone to think. And it's so, so bittersweet.
Like coffee without cream.
Coffee Shops don't make me feel calm anymore and I'm okay with it.
I never liked bittersweet coffee before, but I get it, now.